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My parents fought constantly when I was small. In my memory, my mom always came out of those fights a loser. Angry from being hit by my dad, she would grab her suitcase, pack some clothes, and leave to stay with her sister for a few days. We kids were so afraid that she’d never come back that we’d latch onto her legs and waist, wrestle the suitcase from her hands, and beg her not to leave. Though those things happened a long time ago, I still remember them vividly. You can imagine how traumatic it is for kids when parents fight.

I knew that fights or arguments are inevitable in a relationship, but I didn’t want to take the same path as my parents. When I got married, I tried to reach an understanding with my husband: Our fighting or arguing should always be constructive, not destructive. After all, it’s not easy for a couple to build a home. You can wreck a marriage by unwisely taking it too lightly. To avoid that, my husband and I reached a consensus to “fight smart.”

Couples who know how to fight smart build happier families. What, then, is “fighting smart”?

Use constructive language:

Though it is hard to control what comes out of your mouth in a fight, constructive language goes a long way toward cooling things down. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always like this,” you could say, “perhaps we can try...” Using constructive language steers you away from destructive arguing, which leads to resentment and does nothing to help your relationship.

Remove yourself from a volatile situation:

When you find that you two are breaking into an argument, step out of your home, go to a park or an open space, and take a walk for 30 minutes. Allow your emotions to subside. When your emotions get the better of you, you are a lot more likely to say things that hurt. However, if you take a short break, your mind has a better chance to clear and you will be better able to see things in perspective. Don’t become so overwhelmed by your emotions that you say things that you will regret later.

Use a pen instead of your mouth:

It has become something of a habit for me to put onto paper what is bothering me about my husband. When I write down what I want to say to him, I take the time to reflect on myself and sort my thoughts. As a result, my wording becomes more thoughtful, to the point, and less accusatory. It’s easier for the recipient of my message to understand what is making me mad and accept what I want to express. This beats a shouting match.

Apologize to your children:

Many psychologists have advised parents to apologize to their children after a fight: “I’m sorry. Daddy/Mommy spoke too loud just now and scared you to tears.” This allows your kids to realize that you know your unusual behavior and raised voices have made them uncomfortable or even frightened them. Better yet, refrain from getting into a high-conflict situation in front of your kids or pay attention to the language you use in such a situation. If you really can’t avoid a squabble, show concern for your children’s emotional state when things have calmed down. Empathize with their fears and worries and explain to them what has happened between you and your spouse to help ease their anxiety.

Parental relationships have a huge impact on their kids. When a couple gets along well, they set a good example for their children and demonstrate positive interpersonal interactions. That’s why you should try to talk things over to resolve your differences instead of arguing. At least try to avoid fighting in front of your children. This prevents them from being traumatized and finding it difficult to maintain healthy relationships when they’re older.

As for children caught between their parents, I suggest that they communicate their helplessness and fear in such a situation to their parents to help them realize what they are going through, to let them know that they too are a part of the family and that their feelings should be respected. When children can communicate openly with their parents, and when parents are able to “fight smart,” families are strengthened and life is better for everyone.